So… your child hasn’t been selected in the team they REALLY wanted to be in.
I write this article from a unique perspective: that being the mum of a young netballer and a very experienced coach / selector.
Thus I too, ride the wave of emotions you have experienced as a parent who’s child hasn’t been selected in the team that they really wanted to be in. Uniquely, I also ride the wave of emotions as a coach whose players may have been overlooked for a particular rep team or state teams.
At Netball Revolution, we see two main scenarios play out with young netball players.
Scenario 1
Your child gets in the car with you. You are upset for her. Angry. Disappointed. Protective. She is tired, hungry, sore and sad. You start the conversation.
“That was complete bull$@#%!”
“I can’t believe *** & *** got selected!”
“Those selectors don’t know what they are looking at!”
“I’m lodging a complaint!”
“I mean, you didn’t necessarily play your best, but your still better than ***!”
“If your coach didn’t leave you stuck in GK the whole time, you would have had a chance!”
Your child doesn’t have the answers nor the responses to those questions. They shut down. You rant. You push her for answers or to engage in the conversation. She looks out the window and not at you.
Scenario 2
Your child gets in the car with you. You are upset for her. Angry. Disappointed. Protective. She is tired, hungry, sore and sad. But you DON’T start any conversation about selections. Instead, you say, “Do you feel like getting something to eat on the way home?”.
When she’s eaten, you say “Do you want to talk about it?”.
At first, the answer may be no. To which you reply, “I’m here to listen whenever you want to talk about it. I love you. I am so proud of you”.
After some time, she may divulge what she is feeling. And you listen without asking lots of questions.
You validate her feelings by saying, “I totally get that. It makes sense that you feel (sad/angry/frustrated/ripped off). Because you worked your bum off and you really wanted to make that team. I saw how positive you were on the court, how supportive you were of your teammates and how respectful you were with your coach”.
And your child suddenly feels like you kind of get it. That you understand her. And you didn’t need to give a bunch of advice in the process.
But you finish the conversation by saying, “Is there something you want to work on for next time?” and “Is there anything I can do to support you with that?”.
Can you relate to the emotions I have experienced as a mum this week?
Helplessness. Guttural disappointment. Anger. Sadness. Furiousness. Protectiveness.
And as a coach?
Helplessness. Guttural disappointment. Anger. Sadness. Furiousness. Protectiveness.
Despite the two different roles I have, my advice and actions (and feelings!) are exactly the same.
These pointers may help you navigate the emotive road of non-selection.
1. One selector’s decision is literally that: one person’s point of view.
a. Recently I watched a shooter get selected who is well over 6ft tall but has sloppy hands/footwork and shoots at 80% each game. She cracks under pressure. But she’s tall! Would I have selected her? No. I’d choose a slightly shorter shooter who has safe hands, excellent footwork, a variety of skills that involve more than holding, and who shoots in the 90%’s… e-v-e-r-y day of the week.
b. I saw a mid-courter get selected who was related to the coach of another team. Does she have the training ethic, mindset or skillset of other girls who missed out? Nope. Would I have selected her? Nope.
c. I saw a young girl selected in a team who is known for her awful behaviour: she is nasty, belittling and manipulative. Would I have selected her over an equally gifted athlete with stronger morals and a ‘team-first’ mindset? Absolutely not.
But that’s the nature of selecting. We are all looking for different things. We all value different aspects of our game. We all have an opinion of what each team needs. Unfortunately, selectors don’t often have the insight that a coach of these players has. Coaches know the personality quirks of their players. They know who thrives under pressure. They know who crumbles under feedback. They know the mean girls. They know the quiet achievers. They keep the playing stats. They know who is truly coachable. Selectors don’t. It’s one opinion over the course of one trial – and they never get it 100% right. It’s important for each athlete to understand that.
2. Allow your child to set their own timeframe around discussing their feelings / disappointment / having a debrief.
We have one rule in our family: “hold it together until we get into the car”. Once we are in the car, let loose. I don’t judge language. I don’t interrupt. I have no expectations around crying. I ask open-ended questions if the vibe is right to do so. I sit in that space with her and empathize with her feelings for as long as she needs me to. Despite me having MANY opinions and words of advice, I don’t divulge any of them until she asks for them. I keep driving until she has run out of things to say. The sanctity of the car is our established ‘safe space’ to both celebrate the achievements and commiserate the disappointments.
3. No doubt YOU feel like you need a debrief or to have a good whinge about the selections.
Does re-hashing the entire scenario do you, or your child, any favours? Nope. Particularly if your child is in ear-shot. What it teaches your child, is how to continuously put the focus on nit-picking other athletes. Whinging about selectors. Disrespecting the process. It’s negative. It’s unhelpful. It’s not constructive.
4. Focus on the long game.
When she’s ready to, support her to refocus on goal setting. Training goals. Fitness goals. Strength goals. Particular skill goals (like shooting average). Mindset goals. There are so many different types of goals that don’t necessarily involve “getting in” a particular team. Many of our athletes use their Netball Revolution Player Journals to help with goal setting and evaluation of games/training sessions.
Don’t hesitate to give us a ring or pop us an email if you need help managing the refocus or goal setting for your child.
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